How to spend the evening alone: a woman’s guide to her free evening.

How to spend the evening alone, first you need to be alone- this is a crucial part to the equation.  Alone means no one else in the apartment, condo, house, trailer, mansion, boat, or any other in-dwelling place.  

Alone.  Singular.  Single.  One.  Uno.  Un.  Ein.  

To accomplish this initial step you may need to turn down some invites or proposals.  Give your girl friends’ a rain check, scoot the boyfriend or husband out to play a round of Halo with the guys; send the kids to grandma’s house.  Tell them you’re getting sick with some horrible virus from Africa, or instill fear in the masses by going into gross detail about the scrap booking you plan on participating in (the prospect of hearing every story to every photo ever taken should propel all other individuals out).  You should be the only Homosapien within the confines of your living place.

(Side note: at this time pets should be addressed.  Having a pet about during your evening alone does not mean you were not in fact “alone.”  Pets are allowed and encouraged during the alone time provided that the pet in question is not a needy animal and can make do on the couch, floor, bed, etc.  Same exception applies to house plants.)

The second step is the subject of attire.  Attire is very important for spending an evening alone.  Above all this one word will help guide you in your choices: comfort.  Get out that tank top that is thoroughly misshapen and makes your breasts two different sizes.  Find those ridiculous pajama pants- you know the ones with the outrageous pattern and coffee stains.  Comfort can even be achieved by knowingly wrinkling parts of your work clothes attire.  Take off the hosiery, but stay in the button down blouse.  Kick off the high heals, but leave the earrings.  A little rebellion in wrinkling Monday’s pants suit might just be the sort of release you are looking for.  Go bra-less.  Go sock-less.  Go top-less.  Whatever your choice, the end result must be comfort.

A short review: be in entirely, quarantine level aloneness, and be wearing comfortable clothes.

Some women like to stress the importance of food for alone time.  I for one stress the importance of entertainment, but that’s for a later paragraph.  Food is entirely up to the individual, both for quantity and quality.  While I hold in reverence what movie I’m going to obsess for the evening, at this time I should stress that whatever food choice you do end up partaking in be prepared to live with the consequences.  Guilt is a natural part of life, and while we shouldn’t wallow in it, we certainly should fight it either.  If you are going to indulge in random high sodium foods, be prepared to feel five to ten pounds heavier the next few days.  Break out the elastic waist band skirts- iron them even while you munch away.  If you are going to indulge in anything syrupy, sweet, high in fructose, or any form of chocolate, be prepared to fight a pimple or two.  Don’t freak out about that zit though.  It should make you feel younger; a memento to remember your youth.  If you plan on drinking- bottle of wine or perhaps a fruity mixed drink- then by all means have some Tums on hand and a bottle of pain killers.  You will feel very glamorous as you walk around the following day in your extra-tinted sun glasses (think Breakfast At Tiffany’s).  And yet it still cannot be stressed enough: food is entirely up to the individual, both in quantity and quality.

Despite your acceptance of said consequences, do let out the occasional whine.  It’s due process.  And I’m fairly certain it is expected.

A short review: be in entirely, quarantine level aloneness, be wearing comfortable clothes, and mentally behave like a stereotypical Jewish mother.

Now onto the fourth part of the evening alone equation: entertainment.  This is your night to do what you please, watch what you want or listen to what you want.  It can be as exciting as drooling over Meet Joe Black or as serious as making your way through Law And Order Year 1, Season 1.  Or like the commentator, my self, you can write dribble about the protocols for how to appropriately and successfully spend an evening alone.  Whatever it is you decide upon, embrace it full scale: obsess over your favorite scene; watch every single episode; or sing at the top of your lungs to whatever music is spinning.  To further enhance your entertainment value add your own commentary and always, and I mean always, discuss with an invisible second party exactly what your thinking at any given moment.  The air around you never argues or contradicts.

Here are a few general suggestions to pass your alone time: movies, sitcoms, game shows, QVC, internet fanfiction, blogs (writing or reading), or catching up on all of those ridiculous youtube clips your annoying friend/sibling sent you.

So in conclusion an evening alone can only be accomplished by being in entirely, quarantine level aloneness; by wearing comfortable clothes; by mentally behaving like a stereotypical Jewish mother, and by doing whatever impulsively flips your buttons.  

Now excuse me while I go pop some popcorn and finish up the last three episodes of Law And Order.